Mental Health Therapy for Challenging Family Dynamics
Individual therapy for adults navigating difficult family relationships, childhood experiences, boundaries, emotional neglect, and dysfunctional family roles.
Relationships with family are inherently complex. Many adults struggle with not only past family experiences, but also, and perhaps more importantly, current dynamics. Decisions about how to interact with family and considerations about reducing contact or ending it entirely typically come with significant distress. If you have been struggling with challenging family dynamics you are not alone.
The family you grow up plays in important role in shaping your outlook of the world, understanding of relationships, and your view of yourself. The family system, comprising the intricate web of relationships and interactions within a household, significantly influences how we perceive the world, engage with others, and navigate through life.
From communication patterns and roles to the unwritten rules that govern daily interactions, the environment we grow up in can leave lasting impressions. Understanding these dynamics is crucial for comprehending the complexities of human development and relationships, as well as for addressing challenges that arise within the family unit.
Challenging family dynamics
Challenging or difficult family dynamics are not always straightforward to identify. Occasionally unhealthy family relationships are clear, such as when abuse has occured, but for many people the experience of difficult family interactions are much more nuanced. If you have experienced difficult family dynamics, some situations that may sound familiar to you could include:
- Having parents who struggle to acknowledge your perspective
- Being treated differently when you disagree or set boundaries
- Knowing that parents expressed favouritism between siblings
- Not being believed by your parents
Difficult family experiences can manifest in your behaviours, thoughts, and emotions.
Behaviours such as:
- Avoiding or delaying communication
- Dreading attending family get togethers
- Difficulty making decisions related to family
- Acting as the “responsible one,” caretaker or mediator
- Stepping into a ‘peacekeeper’ role
- Preparing for anticipated conflicts with family
- Efforts to try to communicate differently
- Acting like a different version of yourself around family
Emotional experiences such as:
- Feeling responsible for a parent’s happiness or emotional wellbeing
- A sense of obligation that doesn’t align with your values
- Confusion following interactions with your family
- Excessive feelings of guilt
Difficult family relationships often show up beyond family interactions as well. Your childhood development plays an important role in your experiences later in life.
If you’ve experienced difficult family dynamics, you may also recognize thought patterns such as:
- Having difficulty identifying what you want or how you feel
- Questioning whether your childhood was “bad” or if your parents are “good”
- Confusion about your own identity and who you are
- Self-doubt and second guessing your choices
- Tendency to “people please” and focusing on the perceptions of others
Emotionally immature or unavailable parents
Psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson coined the term Emotionally Immature Parents. This concept puts language to the experience of growing up with parents or caregivers who had difficulty showing up for their children in a way that was emotionally regulated and supportive for healthy emotional and social development.
If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, you may recognize experiences such as:
- Feelings were invalidated or minimized
- Tension at home based on a parent’s mood
- Lack of repair, accountability, or apologies from parents
- Superficial conversations and discomfort with emotions
Childhood emotional neglect
Childhood emotional neglect is difficult to identify and put language to because it is the absence (rather than presence) of a range of discrete and abstract interactions between children and parents. The experience of having one’s emotions attended to and validated with affection, warmth, and nurturing is a key component of health emotional and social development.
If you experienced emotional neglect as a child, the following may resonate with you:
- Not sharing with a parent when you were hurt or needed support
- Focusing on your parents emotions over your own
Experiencing emotional childhood neglect can manifest in a number of ways in adult life including:
- Excessive fear of losing relationships or being left
- Difficulty developing closeness or being vulnerable with others
- Maintaining relationships that are not fulfilling or harmful
- Struggles asking for help
Boundaries with parents and family
How challenging family dynamics can show up in adults
Difficult family experiences can impact both the type of relationship you have with your family members in the present day and how you function in your daily life.
Family relationships as an adult
Complicated or challenging parent and family interactions don’t necessarily change in adult life. While you likely have a greater degree of control over things such as the frequency of contact, other aspects may become more complex.
Broader mental health and relationship struggles
The family you grew up in
- Anxiety and hypervigilance
- People pleasing tendencies
- Difficulty setting boundaries
- Perfectionism
- Conflict avoidance
- Relationship struggles
Mental health therapy for difficult family dynamics
If you are struggling with complicated or challenging family relationships, mental health therapy can be helpful in a number of ways.
Working individually with a therapist experienced in family dynamics can help you:
- Identify unhelpful patterns
- Process and heal from early life experiences
- Distinguish personal responsibility
- Develop and maintain boundaries
- Improve current relationships
In some cases, individuals attend therapy to help decide if continuing a relationship is in their best interest. When people are considering ending family relationships it is often after trying many different approaches and significant distress. Working with a therapist cannot give you an answer about whether or not to continue a relationship, but it can help you identify what you need from the relationship, explore the implications of continuing or discontinuing contact, and process trauma, grief and loss that accompany these complex decisions.
Individual therapy for family concerns in Edmonton
At Mendable Psychology our therapists provide counselling for individual adults to help address difficult family dynamics and related mental health struggles. We work with our clients in person in West Edmonton and online across Alberta.
FAQ about challenging family dynamics
How do I know whether my childhood is affecting me as an adult?
People who have experienced challenging or complex family dynamics may be able to point to various circumstances that have occured in the past. Sometimes these concerns are ongoing and other times they no longer seem relevant. If some of the themes from this page resonate with you, it may be that your past experiences continue to impact you.
Can I go to therapy about my family without my family participating?
Individual therapy can be helpful for addressing personal experiences related to your mental health and functioning. This means intentionally deciding how you want to show up in relationships, ensuring boundaries and limits align with your personal values, and understanding patterns in thoughts and behaviours that may no longer be serving you.
Individual therapy however, cannot speak to how your parents or family members behave. If family members are willing and able to engage in family therapy, this can be a helpful addition to your individual therapy, with a separate provider.
Can therapy help if my family members aren't willing to change?
People often attend individual therapy for family related concerns after attempts to change a parent or family members behaviour have been unsuccessful. It is important to keep in mind that you cannot change other people’s’ behaviour. That being said, if you are experiencing anxiety, stress, or frustration related to a family member, you do have the ability to change the aspects of the situation that are within your own control. Adjusting expectations and re-framing thoughts; changing your behaviour or boundaries; and processing grief and unresolved feelings can provide significant relief related to difficult family dynamics.
Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries with my parents?
Setting boundaries can be tricky. Often this means saying no or putting other limits in place that had previously been absent from the relationship. In particular, setting boundaries with parents can involve changing long standing patterns of interaction. Even as an adult, there is naturally a desire for parents to be pleased with and proud of you. Setting boundaries may involve fear of a unfavourable response. Importantly, the feeling of guilt, however, does not necessarily mean you have made the wrong choice. Therapy can be helpful for examining feelings of guilt (and shame) and working through related distress while maintaining boundaries that align with your values.
