What to Do If Your Family Member Won’t Go to Therapy

In therapy, there is a funny adage which says,

“People in therapy are often in therapy, to deal with the people in their lives, who won’t go to therapy”

When a family member, partner, or friend is resistant to seeking therapy, it can be challenging and frustrating, especially if you believe therapy could greatly benefit them – and perhaps even more so if their lack of therapy attendance seriously disadvantages you.

However, it’s important to remember that everyone’s experience is different, and you cannot force someone to attend therapy against their will – nor should you, as this could actually backfire. In this post, we will explore strategies to navigate this situation in a way that is most beneficial for you and the people in your life.

Your Work in Therapy

While your family member, partner, or friend may not be attending therapy, you may be able to work on yourself to foster healthier dynamics within the relationship.

Educate yourself: Gain knowledge about the relationship dynamics or issues at play between you and your loved one. This understanding can provide insights and perspective, which may help you understand the relationship concerns with greater empathy and compassion.

Assertive communication and boundaries: Therapy is an excellent environment to clarify if your current boundaries are aligning with your values and goals and a safe place to practice assertive communication and boundary setting. Developing effective communication skills to express your needs and concerns in a clear, non-confrontational manner and have constructive conversations can lay the foundation for better interactions.

Self-reflection: It is helpful to understand your expectations for the relationship and how realistic your expectations are, given the history of the relationship. Why is it important to you that this individual attend therapy? What are your hopes for your relationship with them if they did choose to attend? Sometimes clients become fixated on the change of another person at the expense of changes in their own lives – the change they actually have control over. In this case, therapy work may focus in on developing a great sense of acceptance for the things inside and outside of your control and responsibility.

Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is crucial when dealing with a family member who refuses therapy. It’s essential to acknowledge that you cannot control their choices or force them to change. Remember that therapy is a personal decision, and respect their autonomy. Here are a few tips for establishing boundaries:

Identifying your boundaries: Boundaries are parameters we set for ourselves. They can include such things as: limits on the ways we are comfortable being treated, limits on how we spend our time, limits on our physical bodies, among other things. We cannot set boundaries on other people as we do not actually have any control over other people’s behaviour. We can however set boundaries for ourselves (e.g. I will not attend family dinners where I am belittled) and maintain our boundaries (e.g. by communicating them to others; by leaving family dinners if belittling occurs).

The relationship boundaries: It is important to take care of your emotional well-being as it is the aspect within your control. Sometimes, in certain situations, you may decide that the relationship in question repeatedly violates your boundaries and is harmful to your mental health. In these cases, a decision to temporarily or permanently, stop or limit contact, in the relationship may be the best option. The decision to continue or discontinue a difficult relationship is a very personal decision. Regardless of the decision, a culturally competent, skilled and nonjudgemental therapist, can help to support you in values aligned decision-making and caring for your mental health.

In the Relationship

While you can’t control whether your family member, partner, or friend attends therapy, you can help create a positive atmosphere around the idea.

Destigmatize therapy: Share information about the benefits of therapy and challenge any misconceptions or stigma associated with seeking professional help. If it is appropriate to the situation you could share that you attend therapy and the ways it has been positive for your well-being. Help your family, partner, or friend understand that therapy is not a sign that there is something ‘wrong’ but a proactive step towards health, growth, and self-improvement.

Offer support: If it is appropriate to the situation, you could let your family member, partner, or friend know your boundaries around how you may be able to help (e.g. that you are available to listen without judgment if they ever want to discuss their concerns or feelings; that you could help them look for resources or referral options, ect). Your work in therapy can also help in communicating your parameters around the ways you are unable to help (e.g. listening to hours of venting; receiving their anger or aggression, ect.)

Explore alternative options: Therapy is not the only option for improving one’s mental health or relationship to others. Alternative approaches such as support groups, seeking medical investigation and treatment, online counseling, or self-help resources. These options might be more appealing or accessible to them. If you notice yourself becoming stuck or rigid around type of support or timeline, this could be helpful to review with your own therapist individually.

Lead with empathy: Understand that their resistance might stem from fear, past negative experiences, or a lack of trust. Be patient, empathetic, and supportive, showing them that you genuinely care about their well-being.

Final Thoughts

While it can be challenging when a family member refuses to attend therapy, remember that their journey is their own. By setting boundaries, focusing on your own growth, and creating a positive environment around therapy, you can support them in a meaningful way. Ultimately, the decision to seek therapy lies with them, and all you can do is offer your understanding, love, and encouragement along the way.