Understanding Relationship Anxiety

Relationships can be a profound source of connection, love, and growth—but for some, they also become a source of intense worry. Relationship anxiety is more common than many people realize, and when left unaddressed, it can create unnecessary conflict, erode trust, and ultimately damage the very bond someone longs to preserve. This article explores the nature of relationship anxiety, including a related experience known as relationship OCD (ROCD), and offers insights into how to manage this anxiety and build healthier, more secure connections.

What Is relationship anxiety?

Relationship anxiety refers to persistent worries or fears about one’s romantic relationship. These anxieties can surface early in dating or well into a long-term commitment. People experiencing relationship anxiety often question:

• Do they really love me?

• Do I love them enough?

• What if they leave me?

• What if I made the wrong choice?

These thoughts can be intrusive and distressing, even when the relationship itself is stable. Relationship anxiety can stem from past relationship trauma, low self-esteem, attachment wounds, or anxiety disorders, and may lead individuals to feel on edge or overly preoccupied with the health of their relationship.

What Is relationship OCD (ROCD)?

Relationship OCD is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder involving intrusive doubts and compulsive behaviors related to one’s relationship. While many people occasionally question aspects of their relationship, those with ROCD experience obsessive thoughts that are distressing, repetitive, and difficult to control.

There are two common themes in ROCD:

1. Relationship-centered obsessions – Persistent doubts about whether the relationship is “right,” or if they truly love their partner.

2. Partner-focused obsessions – Preoccupation with perceived flaws in their partner’s appearance, personality, or behaviors.

To manage the anxiety, individuals may engage in compulsive behaviors such as excessive reassurance-seeking, mental checking, or comparing their relationship to others. This cycle can be exhausting and damaging to the bond between partners.

How relationship anxiety can lead to stress and relationship strain

Unchecked relationship anxiety or ROCD can place significant stress on even healthy partnerships. Over time, these patterns may lead to:

• Emotional burnout for both partners

• Erosion of trust, due to constant questioning or reassurance-seeking

• Overdependence, where one partner is tasked with regulating the other’s anxiety

• Avoidance behaviors, such as pulling away emotionally or sabotaging the relationship to avoid vulnerability

These effects can create a self-fulfilling prophecy: the more someone tries to prevent relationship problems out of anxiety, the more conflict and disconnection they may unintentionally create.

Common behaviours in relationship anxiety and ROCD

While each person may experience relationship anxiety differently, some common behaviors include:

• Repeatedly asking for reassurance (“Do you really love me?”)

• Constantly analyzing or overthinking relationship dynamics

• Hyperfocusing on flaws in one’s partner

• Comparing the relationship to others or to an imagined ideal

• Difficulty tolerating uncertainty about the future of the relationship

• Withdrawing or pushing a partner away to “test” the relationship

• Excessive checking of messages, social media, or signs of loyalty

These behaviors are attempts to reduce anxiety, but they often increase doubt and disconnection instead.