Feelings of guilt when setting boundaries

Setting boundaries is one of the most important acts of self-care and emotional health. Yet for many people, particularly those who are new to it, boundary-setting can bring a complicated and uncomfortable emotion to the surface: feelings of guilt. If you’ve ever felt guilty after setting a boundary, you’re not alone. Let’s explore why this happens and how to navigate it with compassion for yourself.

What setting boundaries looks like

Setting boundaries means clearly defining what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationships, time, energy, and personal space. Healthy boundaries are not walls to keep people out, but guidelines that help protect your well-being while allowing genuine connection with others.

Boundaries can look like:

• Saying “no” to requests that overextend you

• Asking for space when you need time to yourself

• Expressing your feelings openly and respectfully

• Ending conversations when they become disrespectful or harmful

• Prioritizing your own needs without apology

• Limiting time with people who drain your energy

Boundaries are deeply personal. What feels right for one person might feel different for another. The key is listening to your own needs and values and honoring them with clarity and kindness.

Experiencing feelings of guilt when setting boundaries

Despite the benefits of setting boundaries, it’s common to experience feelings of guilt, especially in the beginning. You might worry that you’re being “selfish,” “mean,” or “disrespectful.” You may fear disappointing others or being rejected.

This guilt can show up in various ways, including:

• Overexplaining or justifying your decision

• Feeling anxious after asserting a need

• Second-guessing whether you did the “right” thing

• Apologizing unnecessarily for asserting yourself

Feelings of guilt are emotional signals. It’s your mind and body alerting you to a perceived violation of a value or expectation. When it comes to boundary-setting, this often reflects old patterns rather than actual wrongdoing.

The evolutionary role of feelings of guilt

Guilt has deep evolutionary roots that served an important purpose in early human societies. As social beings, our survival often depended on maintaining strong group bonds and cooperation.

From an evolutionary perspective, feelings of guilt are the emotional experience when:

• We believe something we have done was bad or morally wrong, perhaps involving hurting or betraying someone important to us 

• Feelings of guilt acted as an internal signal, encouraging behaviors ensured maintaining connection and our place within the group

• If we acted in ways that risked being displaced from the group, this also meant a threat to our individual survival

In modern society however, social structures are much more complex, but this emotional wiring remains. When setting boundaries, feelings of guilt can be triggered, not because you are doing something wrong, but because your brain is trying to preserve connection. Recognizing this can help you respond to guilt with understanding rather than self-blame.

Guilt can be a normal experience with new boundaries

There are several reasons why guilt can feel so strong when you start setting boundaries:

Social conditioning

Many people are raised to prioritize others’ feelings over their own. Messages like “don’t be selfish,” “be nice,” and “always help others” can make boundary-setting feel like a betrayal of your upbringing.

Fear of conflict or disapproval

Setting boundaries sometimes results in others being upset, disappointed, or even angry. If you are uncomfortable with conflict, you might internalize their reaction as your fault, leading to guilt.

Unfamiliarity

Anything new can feel uncomfortable. If you aren’t used to advocating for yourself, it can feel like you’re doing something wrong simply because it isn’t your “normal” way of interacting.

Internalized self-worth beliefs

If you have struggled with low self-esteem or believe that your worth is tied to pleasing others, asserting a boundary can feel like you’re risking your value or identity.

Recognizing these underlying influences can help you understand that feeling guilt doesn’t mean you’ve made a mistake. It means you’re stretching into a healthier, more authentic way of being.