Understanding Fawning and People Pleasing as a Trauma Response
When we think about trauma responses, the classic “fight or flight” reaction often comes to mind. We might also be familiar with the “freeze” response—feeling paralyzed or numb in the face of danger. But there’s a lesser-known trauma response that is often misunderstood – fawning. This behavior may not be recognized as a trauma response because it can look like kindness, people-pleasing, or agreeableness. However, when rooted in trauma, fawning is an adaptive survival mechanism, protectively enacted in the face of threat.
In this article, we’ll explore what fawning is, why it develops, how it differs from other trauma responses, and how to start the process of healing—especially for women, who are disproportionately socialized into this response.
This article is part of a series on trauma responses
- Understanding Hyperarousal and Fight or Flight Responses
- Understanding Hypoarousal and the Freeze Response
- Understanding Fawning as a Trauma Response
- Post Traumatic Growth and Healing After Trauma
Review of the basics: fight, flight, and freeze
To understand fawning, it’s helpful to review the more widely known trauma responses:
Fight: This response is about confronting a threat. It’s driven by anger or aggression, which can manifest as shouting, physically defending oneself, or pushing back against a perceived danger.
Flight: This involves escaping the threat. Someone may run away physically, or disengage emotionally by overworking, overplanning, or constantly moving.
Freeze: A hypoarousal state where the nervous system essentially “shuts down.” People may dissociate, feel stuck, or numb out entirely.
If you come across a bear in the forest, your brain assess the threat and goes into protection mode. You might attempt to fight the bear. You could try and run from the bear. You could freeze or play dead and hope the bear doesn’t see (or smell) you. You might also assume that you won’t make it out alive. These responses are automatic reactions governed by the nervous system, designed to be adaptive and protect us in the face of danger.
What is fawning?
Fawning can be considered a fourth type of trauma response, and has often been overlooked in mainstream discussions. It’s characterized by people-pleasing, appeasing, or over-accommodating others to avoid threat, criticism, or harm.
A person behaving in fawning response may:
Apologize excessively
Avoid expressing opinions or needs
Change behavior or personality to match others’ expectations
Suppress anger or discomfort
Go out of their way to maintain peace or keep others happy
From an evolutionary standpoint, fawning can be seen as adaptive. In environments where confrontation or withdrawal weren’t safe options, submission or compliance may have reduced the perceived threat. In abusive relationships or traumatic settings, minimizing one’s own needs can feel like the only way to survive. When this response is engaged during a legitimate threat, it is in service of survival. However, this response can also be detrimental to individuals when it is relied on frequently and no safety concerns are present.
Fawning as a trauma response means that when you run into that bear in the forest, you talk softly to the bear, you say “good bear, nice bear” and you hope that it doesn’t perceive you as a threat and attack.
A closer look at the fawning response in women
While fawning can affect anyone, women may more often display this trauma response due to societal conditioning and expectations. Many women are raised to be nurturing, accommodating, and agreeable. Assertiveness, especially when it involves saying no or setting boundaries, is often discouraged or punished.
Women are more at risk for interpersonal trauma experiences such as relationship violence and sexual violence, that often lead to a fawn response. When women are faced with threat, they may be aware that their ability to fight or flight (safely exit the situation) are not viable options. In general and stereotypical terms, women and children are physically smaller and have less muscle mass than men, who are more likely to perpetrate violence against them. A fawning response attempts to avoid the chance of being physically overpowered.
Read more information about women’s mental health.
Misunderstandings about the fawning response
Fawning responses frequently occur in situations of partner violence and sexual violence. For example:
- Smiling or say thank you to unwanted advances in order to avoid conflict and end the interaction
- Appeasing behaviours to avoid an aggressive partner escalating
- Appearing agreeable or kind to people who are threatening, intimidating, or violent
It is important to note that how someone responds when faced with a traumatic experience is an automatic reaction. If someone does not act in the way that you might expect, it does not mean that they were okay with the situation or wanted to experience it. It is extremely unfortunate and problematic that many survivors are blamed or shamed for their responses to traumatic events when they are simply reacting in the best way they know how in order to increase their chances of survival.
Coping and healing
Healing from the fawn response involves reconnecting with your sense of self, safety, and autonomy.
Recovering from a threatening or traumatic experience
If you’ve found yourself using a fawning response during or after a traumatic experience, it’s important to offer yourself deep compassion and forgiveness. Fawning is not a flaw or failure—it is a protective strategy your nervous system adopted to keep you safe in environments where asserting your needs may have felt dangerous. You were doing your best with the tools you had.
Increasing your awareness that you are not at fault for responding to trauma in this way is a vital step in healing. Rather than judging yourself, try to honour the strength it took to survive. With time and support, you can begin to let go of shame and build new ways of relating that are rooted in safety, authenticity, and self-worth.
Changing fawning responses in daily life outside of threat
When individuals have experienced traumatic events, they may develop a pattern of responding to everyday situations with trauma responses. For example, we might freeze or flee in situations that our brains assess as unsafe even where no actual threat is present. This same reaction can also occur with fawning responses. Here are some strategies to begin this process:
Recognize the pattern
Notice when you’re saying “yes” to avoid discomfort, when you’re prioritizing others over yourself, or when guilt arises for having needs.Rebuild boundaries
Start small. Practice saying “no” without overexplaining. Understand that boundaries are not a rejection of others, but a commitment to yourself. Explore our guide on guilt and setting boundaries.Engage in therapy
Trauma-informed therapy approaches like EMDR, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), or acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) can help you process past trauma and rewire automatic responses.Develop self-compassion
Practice speaking to yourself with the same kindness you offer others. Affirm your right to take up space and have your own needs met.Reconnect with your values and interests
Many people who fawn have lost touch with what they enjoy or believe in. Engaging in personal hobbies, journaling, or exploring interests can rebuild identity.Use grounding and nervous system regulation tools
Fawning is often driven by a dysregulated nervous system. Practices like deep breathing, somatic exercises, and mindfulness can help create a sense of internal safety.
Final thoughts and resources
Fawning isn’t about being nice—it’s about surviving. It’s a trauma response developed in environments where asserting yourself didn’t feel safe. While it may have helped you navigate past relationships or situations, it can lead to a loss of identity, emotional exhaustion, and ongoing mental health struggles.
The good news is that healing is possible. With compassionate support and a commitment to your own growth, you can move from surviving through fawning to living authentically and confidently.
If this resonates with you or someone you care about, know that help is available. You are not alone, and reclaiming your voice is both possible and powerful. Reach out to begin the next step in your healing journey.
Additional resources
https://drarielleschwartz.com/the-fawn-response-in-complex-ptsd-dr-arielle-schwartz/
Disclaimer:
The information provided in this post and across this website does not, and is not intended to, constitute medical, mental health, or therapeutic advice; instead, all information, content, and materials available on this site are for general informational purposes only. This information does not create any therapeutic relationship and should not be used as a substitute for professional diagnosis and treatment. Consult with a licensed mental health provider for advice or support regarding diagnosis and treatment.
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